Nigeria Jokes

Three business associates, an Igbo man, a Yoruba man and a Chinese man, went to eat lunch together at a restaurant in Surulere. While in the middle of their meal, a fly came in through the window. It flew across the table to where the Igbo man was but he just waved his hands to chase it away. The fly then went to where the Yoruba man was, he also chased it away. Finally, the fly then went to where the Chinese man was and was flying close to his ears. The Chinese man looked at the fly for sometime and then grabbed it, put it in his mouth and swallowed it. The other men saw this but just kept on eating. About Five minutes later, another fly came in and flew to the Yoruba man who just chased it away again. It then flew on to the Igbo man but this time he did not chase the fly, he looked at it for sometime and then grabbed it. He then turned to the Chinese man and asked "how much you go buy am?"

Nigeria Jokes Update

Hahahahaha!! I just can't stop laughing. This is the awkward Truth About some husbands. A group of men gathered at a church conference on how to live in a loving relationship with their wives. The men were asked, "How many of you love your wife ?" All the men raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your wife you love her ?" Some men answered today, some yesterday, majority didn’t remember. The men were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective wives: I love you, sweetheart... Then the men were told to exchange their phones so one can read the other wife's reply to the love message. Here are some of the replies: 1. Have you impregnated someone again 2. That was then, not now 3. You wan borrow money abi? 4. What did you do again? I won’t forgive you this time. 5. Meaning? 6. Is that a new song? 7. Am I dreaming? 8. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today! 9. U dis man!! I asked you to stop drinking. 10. Abeg na who be this?

Nigeria Jokes Update

John: bby am gonna tell u a story with 4 parts. Remember that, 4 parts Grace: alryt love John: okay am gonna start wth part 1. There was a husband n a wife, they were driving to a camp site wen they came upon a split road. The husband says "lets take the left one. The wife say i thnk we shuld take the right road." The husband slaps the wife across the face "whose driving me or u?" and they took the left path. Grace: hahahahaha.. John: now am gonna tell u part 2. Once they got to the camp the husband goes fishing so his wife can cook dinner. He comes back and the wife says "good now i can cook fish soup for us to eat." The husband says "but i wanna eat fried fish." The wife slaps the husband n says "who is cooking me or u?" and the ended up drinking fish soup. Grace: oh crap! Hahaha John: now am gonna tell u part 4. Grace: wat abt part 3? John: (landed grace a hot slap on the face) who is telling the story me or you?

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Ekaitte went to the store to buy a parrot trained in the USA and asks the sales person; "What's so special about this parrot ?" Sales person says: "This parrot is a genius and can answer any question" Ekaitte asks the parrot; "How do I look?" The parrot replies; "You look like a fuckin slut?" Ekaitte gets pissed off and tells the sales person that its a very rude parrot and she cannot buy it despite it was trained in the USA. The sales person tells Ekaitte to wait for 2 mins... The sales person takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket of water and when he pulls the parrot out he says; "if you disrespect the lady out there again i'll soak you back in water" and takes the parrot back to the store. Th sales person apologized to Ekaitte and says she can ask the parrot another question. Ekaitte: "If I come home with one man what would you think?" Parrot: "He's your husband" Ekaitte: "Two men?" Parrot: "Your husband and his brother" Ekaitte: "Three men?" Parrot: "Your husband, his brother and your brother" Ekaitte: "Four men?" At this time the Parrot turns to the Sales person and says: "Bring back the bleeping bucket of water I already told you she's a slut!!!"

Nigeria Jokes Update

A wife went on holiday leaving the husband behind. The husband got so Hot one day that he decided to try the maid who had just come from Nsukka village and who seemed clever. ... He called the maid to his bedroom where he had taken off his pants, he pointed to his manhood when the maid arrived. Husband: Do you know what this is? Maid: (actin Shy) Yes Husband: Do you know what it s for? Maid:Yes Husband: show me. The maid immediately dropped to her knees held the item with both hands drew closer and opened her mouth. The husband was shivering with anticipation . The maid then began,"My name is Chinasa , I'm 23 years old and I'm from Nsukka. I want to make a shout- out to my parents,mr and mrs Chigozie, my uncle, Broda NnamdI aka' chop my money and MY auntY, MRS IFEOMA, I would also like to tell my boyfriend Johnny that I miss him. Can u play me Ashawo by Flavour Nabania?" Then finally says to the man," Oga,take your microphone I'm through...

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

Never argue with a woman, just use your brains like this my guy. A man went on a night out with his friends the wife is furious and tells the kids that when he comes back they must not open the door for him. At about12 o'clock the man comes back and knocks... the Wife tells him "go sleep where your coming from " and the man answered" I'm not here to sleep my dia , I'm here to collect condoms in my room on top of the table or give it to me, there'r lots of women at the party!" The wife opened the door and said "" you are not going anywhere. Enter the house.

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

Akpos went to an electronic store, he asked the storekeeper "what is the price of this TV?" The storekeeper answered "we don't sell our products to Akpos." Akpos again came next day by cutting his beard and asked "what is the price of this TV?" The storekeeper replied "we don't sell our products to Akpos". The next day Akpos came with a different face and asked "what is the price of this TV?" The shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our products to Akpos." Finally Akpos got irritated and asked the shopkeeper "how do you recognise me every time?" The storekeeper replied "because this is not a TV it is Microwave Oven!"

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Naija the only place where Where a man Happily meet a lady and when she goes back to her friends, their only question was "Is the guy loaded? Where a blind beggar will reject a fake naira note. Where Groundnuts are sold in Bottles & Waters sold in Satchets. Where You Can Be A Driver For Years Without A 'DRIVER's LICENCE' Where Presidents and other government officials don't know the national anthem. Where the Police on a road block makes more money a day than motorist and their owners. Where you are jailed for stealing Maggi and yam and others given a chieftancy title for stealing billions and Front row seat in churches. Where we fight for everything. To gain admission to university, to get a job and to enter a bus!

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

My eyes are wet with tears...... Out of laughter...haha hhahhaha read on.... If you are tired of those guys who keep on inboxing U silly questions,here are some few tips on hw 2 answer them off: Question:"hey beautiful wht r u busy with" Answer: "looking for my engagement ring, lost it" Q:"Hey gal can we meet?" A:"Nope i'm 8 months pregnant, I can't meet anyone at this stage" Q:"Can I knw more about u?" A:"Sure I LOVE MONEY,please send me N5,000 MTN card" Q:"do u hv a BF"? A:"yes we hv 2 kids & he is a soldier"

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One day at the end of class, a teacher Mr. Ofoka asked the whole class to go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day Mr. Ofoka came into the class and asked for the first volunteer to tell their story. little Suzy raises her hand and was asked to go ahead. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." Then Mr. Afoka asked for the moral lesson of the story. Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." Mr. Afoka also asked for the moral lesson of the story. Lucy replied "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched." The last person was little johnny. Johnny started like this: "My uncle Tedra fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade of his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands". Mr. Afoka looked at johnny in shock and asked if there is possibly any moral lesson to his story. Johnny replied, "Don't Bleep with uncle Tedra when he's been drinking!"

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

Real Stress? You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is STRESS! In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn.You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a BIG STRESS already. You require for a DNR analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually, you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile (genetically cannot produce children). This is a STRESS, combined with a relief. On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what the REAL STRESS is. P.S. What do you do to your wife when you get home?

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I wanted to use my ATM card but the machine kept on rejecting the card. A frustrated me called my bank help line. Me: (angrily) So what's wrong with my ATM card. Call girl : Sir, I have checked your account, everything is alright here and You should be able to use your card, are you sure your card is not damaged or broken? Me: Are you insane? What are you insinuating? No one takes good care of their ATM card like I do. Call girl: Okay Sir, are you also sure the surface isn't wet or stained with dirt? Me: You dey mad? ATM card wey I dey pet like egg. As a matter of fact, I even laminated it last week when I laminated my Identity card.

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

one day four friends Anointed. Emmanuel. Michael..and Sam went to the burial ceremony of their friend in a certain village in ghana. it is the custom and tradition of the village that when a deceased is about to be buried, his friends will put something in his/ her casket. Anointed had nothing to give at the moment so he assisted the women in cooking and serving foods and drinks to guests. that was all he did. Emmanuel put into the casket some expensive wine worth of $3500. He said ''bros keep shining your eyes till we meet again...good bye'' Michael counted a reasonable amount of money ($5,000) and put in the casket and Said "my dear i could have given u more than this, but due to economic crises in our country , this is only what i can afford now..use it to upkeep yourself till we meet together once again'' The last person Sam wrote a cheque of $ 15,000 put in the casket and collected michael's $5000 and said. "nna you know that the journey is too far, so i gave u the cheque of fifteen thousand dollars, if you get to the land of death, pls withdraw the whole amount. my own ten thousand dollars plus michael's five thousand dollars is fifteen thousand dollars,,i have collected my change, so all of the money is yours...try and be holy till we meet again,,good bye''

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

A secondary school geography teacher went to drink at a beer parlour after school on friday. His wife was at home waiting for himto come back as usual. Past 4pm he's not yet back, so the wife thought he is staying for evening class. 8pm he is not yet back so the wife became worried and alerted some friends. They all went to the school to find everywhere empty. They called theprincipal and he said the man left for home immediately after school. This made the wife to become more worried. It's now 11pm so they went and reported to the police who joined in the search. At about 2:30pm, they found the man sitting at a corner, awake and not sleeping. They reached to him and asked why hehas refused to come home. He called them a bunch of illiterates..." you lack knowledge in geography,.. since the earth rotates with everything in it, I decided to sit here and wait for my house"

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

I just Noticed that Life is too short to commit suicide cuz In the year 2002 nokia 3310 was N75k with N40k econet sim card, but today its N700 and the sim is free.. In 2003 samsung c100 was N48k and I must recharge with atleast N1500 airtime every... two weeks or else my sim will be blocked. today its N800 and I dont even need to recharge to retain my sim {customers are needed}... In 2004 sendo x with camera and 16mb memory card {one of the cheapest mp3 enabled phoneback den}was N39k today its free... In 2006 sagem my v55 was N30k today its going for N300... 2008 nko blackberry bold 2 was N135k today blackberry is no more producing new bold 2... so London used na N15k.. U can get 9ja used for N6k... So my friend, if u neva dey use blackberry porch, htc smart phones, android, ipad, iphone, playbook or nokia 808, pls, dnt worry. Just wait and see, coz before 2015 our children will be using them as toys....*smiles #......Be Patient. Dis makes me wonder why sum girls go crazy simply coz of material tins. U want a bold 5, U want brazilian hair, U want LV bag, but remember, Beatles was d richest car in 1980'z.....THIN K!!! See d kinda of depreciation it experienced within short period. BEAUTY FADES! WEALTH can also be ERASED. Jux work hard, Hav a good character and Be loyal to ur feelings!!!,and lastly rem dos wit d bests cars 2day once wlkd on foot,calm down n Give God ur time,for only Him can mk............. ........ Time shall favour u. Can i hear ur Amen??

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

New elemnt Added 2 the Periodic Table Name : wife Symbol : wi Atomic Weight : Don't Even Dare 2 Ask! Physical Proprties : Boils at Anytime, Can Freeze at Anytime, Melts if Handled with Love & Care, Very Bitter if Mishandled.! Chemical Proprties: Very Reactive, Highly Unstable, Posses Strong Affinity 4 Gold, Platinm, Clothes & Othr Precious Items, Money Reducing Agent, Volatile when left Alone. Occurance: Mostly found in front of mirror

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

4 men – a Mark, Bismark, George and Akpors were being interviewed for a top job. The President decided to carry a test, with each candidate being asked the same question and the best answer would get them the job. The next morning, first up was Mark. “Here’s your question,” said the President “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” Without hesitation, he replied “A thought, because it takes no time at all.” “Very good answer,” said the President. Next up was the George, “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. “A blink,” replied George “cos you don’t think about a blink. It’s a reflex.” “Good answer,” replied the president. Next was Bismark, “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. Bismark thought for a moment, “Electricity, because you can flip a switch and 20 miles away a light will go on immediately.” “That’s a great answer,” replied the president. Finally, it was Akpors' turn. “What's the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. Scratching his head Akpors replied: “Running Stomach, because last night after eating, I was lying on my bed when I got these stomach pains and before I could think, blink or turn on the light, IT DROPPED. Be the judge who would u employ??

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

1)Akpos Girlfriend Found out that she was pregnant. She called Akpos on the phone. Girlfriend: Honey i miss my period. Akpos: which of the subject?. MATHS OR ENGLISH?. 2)Gf: Honey so you had another girlfriend. I never knew you were a player. Akpos: yes,i play for Barcelona. 3)Gf: baby i'm not feeling fine. Akpos: oh! Sorry,have you taken your drugs?. Gf: No, Just send me 500naira Mtn recharge card, plz. Akpos: Do you want to recharge your sickness?.

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

One day Akpos and John were watching T.V when the news came on, showing a man standing on a bridge about to commit suicide, suddenlyAkpos said "I'll bet N500 that the guy won't jump off", John said I bet N500 that he will jump. Unfortunately for Akpos the man jumped off the bridge, Akpos accepted his fate and stretched forth the money but John didn't take it, saying "I can't take the money coz I cheated, I already saw the news this morning" but Akpos insisted and said "no you can take it, I cheated too, I also watched the news this morning, I just didn't know the guy will be silly enough to jump again!"

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

IGBO TRADER WRITING WAEC EXAM: Ebuka told his Oga at the shop to please wait at the gate and pick him up after his WAEC Commerce exam at the Commercial Secondary School where he registered. He was given Commerce Exam question paper and the only question he could answer was question number 3 and it says: "Differentiate between a Warehouse and a Shop" (20marks) After much thinking he smiled and wrote his answer as fast as he could: Warehouse is at Ojota while Shop is at Alaba market. Then he submitted his paper and went to meet his Oga at the gate: OGA: Ebuka, how far? How e be? EBUKA: E dey so simple Oga. Question number three say make we differentiate between a warehouse & a shop. OGA: Ehen-ehen...Wet in U come write? EBUKA: hmmm. I write say "warehouse dey for Ojota & shop dey for Alaba. OGA: So na the only thing wey U write be dat? EBUKA: Yes Oga. OGA: Chinekemee!!! U dey craze Common go back & put the phone numbers & our complete address. silly boy! Na so dem take dey get customers

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

A man was trying to show his 15 year old son the danger in taking alcohol so he brought earthworm and alcohol. He poured the alcohol on the earth worm. After a little while the worm dissolved and he asked the child, "what lesson can you learn from this?" The boy replied, "when we take alcohol, we won't have worms."

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

Akpors and Father at Graduation Ceremony Akpors’ father accompanied him to his school end-of-year awards party. As they sat watching amidst loud ovations, the beneficiaries were called to the podium for their awards. The following conversation ensued: Announcer: Best student in sciences, the winner is Inem. Father: (Applauds and eyes Akpors scornfully) See correct children! Announcer: Best student in commercial studies; the winner is Ajoke. Father: (Hisses and eyes Akpors) See correct children. Announcer: Best student in Arts and the winner is Helen. Father: (fuming with anger) See correct children!!. And so, all the awards were presented without any going to Akpors. At the end of the event, they left and went to the car park but as his dad got ready to start the car, the engine refused to respond. He opened the bonnet and touched a few things but his efforts did not yield any response so they resorted to pushing it. Just as they got to the exitof the school, the rickety car sparked up. Exhausted and profusely sweating, Akpors rested on the gate just as his mates were driving off with their parents in Hummer, Jeep, Sequia, Infinity, Escalade, Bentley, Lincoln Navigator, Range Rover and other exotic cars. All of a sudden, Akpors burst into laughter. His puzzled father asked,’what’s so funny?’ Amidst teary eyes, Akpors responded, ‘SEE CORRECT FATHERS!’.

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

DIFFERENCE BTW A FOREIGN ADVICE AND A NIGERIA ADVICE ! Hello, my name is Sandra Stone, I'm from Uk, i love my husband so much and i do anything to please him on bed.. i even suck his dick too but he has refused to suck mine.. pls advice me how to tell him to go down on me cos i really want my Kitty-Cat juice sucked. Comments * James silva : I think u need to talk to him, marriage is communication. * Sarah water : Oh my dear,sorry abt that.. ve bin in ur shoes before .. i told him right away when we were aving sex and he is an expert in it * Micheal paper : I get downwt my wife, its cool i love doing it.. u shud talk to ur husband. NIGERIAN PAGE ! My name is Aminat, i stay in Abuja, married wta kid, my husband have refused to suck my p***y, what shud i do.. No insults abeg COMMENTS * Dayo muyiwa : Fool, sex na food? * Nkiru joy : Yu are a disgrace to womanhood..sham e on u * Idris kunle : Any news abt Assu strike? * Toheeb sule : If u want i can suck for u call my no 0708312455 * Funmi Leye: I no blame u at all better go findsomtn do wt ur life, suck koor, soakaway nii * Richard oke : Abeg who get bb charger * Amaka Achebe : U r a prostitute, u need deliverance!

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

Teacher: who can make a sentence with the word STRESS? Mary: You are causing me more STRESS John: I hate STRESS Akpos: Yesterday i saw our teacher and our headmiSTRESS making love in her office. The Teacher fainted!

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as it comes home, it rushes & fucks all the 153 hens... The farmer is impressed thinking about the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the young energetic rooster again screws all the 153 hens. The farmer got tensed up now. Next day, he finds the rooster bleeping the ducks & the geese and parrot too which scared the hell out of him. Later that day, the farmer finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead & vultures circling overhead. Farmer says "You deserved it, you Hot little bastard! U deserve this "The rooster opens one eye,points up & says "Ssshhh. Let them land, I've never bleeped a vulture in my whole bleeping career".....

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

A man goes to see his doctor and asks him to prescribe the strongest dose of Viagra he allowed. The doctor asks why he needs such a strong dose? The man explains that he has a couple of young nymphomaniacs coming over and he needs the Viagra to keep up with them. The doctor quickly agrees and off he goes. A few days later the man the man returns to the doctor and this time asks the doctor to prescribe him the most powerful pain reliever that he can. The doctor asks, "Why do you need such a strong pain reliever, is your pe*is really sore?" "No," the man replies. "I need it for my wrists, the two girls never showed up."

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

*Viagra Prank* There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom. When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over. 'What happened, Grandpa?', he is asked by his concerned children. 'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!' 9 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

Akpos enters a barber shop. The barber whispers to his customer: BARBER: This is the dumbest boy in the world. Watch while I prove it to you. The barber puts a N50 note in one hand and two N10 notes in the other,then calls the boy and asks: BARBER: Which do you want, boy? Akpos takes the two N10 notes and leaves. BARBER: What did I tell you? Akpos never learns! Minutes later, when the customer left, he sees Akpos coming out of the ice cream store. CUSTOMER: Akpos, May I ask you a question? Why did you take the N10 notes instead of the N50 note? Akpos replied, "Because the day I take the fifty naira note, the game is over!" It's beta I collect N20 everyday.

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

A pastor added me on facebook and I innocently accepted. Two minutes later his msg came in:. Pastor: how are you? Me: am fine my daddy. Pastor: may the building of heavenly favour collapse on your head Me: (no reply) Pastor: may the thunder of Blessing strike you and your family. Me: (no reply) Pastor: are you there? Me: yes my daddy Pastor: you should be saying amen to claim the Blesings. Me: ok, May over speeding trailer of blessings jam/crush you and your family like a moving train, faster than the speed of light in Jesus name. pastor: make God forgive ur mouth

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem. "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?" "For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

_wat profit a man dat has a BB but no suscription. _wat profit a man dat has an android dat d screen is broken. _wat profit a man that has a china fone that there is no music. _what profit a nokia man that has a nokia S40 or S60 without free data bundle. _what profit a man that has a samsung galaxy, that has a broken screen. _what profit a man that has a facebook account but no friends. _what profit a man that has a 2go account, but no go credit. _what profit a man that has a car, but no petrol to fuel it. _what profit a man that bought a BB of 100k, but has 2 sim card space.

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update

As a Man lost his cheque booklet, He decided to go to the bank after 2 days to report. Here is the conversation between him and the bank manager. Bank manager : But I warned you to be careful with your cheque book because anyone can forge your signature. Man: I am not a fool, I have already signed all the cheques, so they won't have space to forge my signature!